Jokes Post your Jokes here

[badaace1973]

Heres a place for all the best jokes around the net. So find them and post them here Ill go first

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.

[badaace1973]

When four of Santa's elves
got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus
told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even
more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple
cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went
to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of
the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little
angel on top of the Christmas Tree

[badaace1973]

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....


Scared the **** out of me!



So that's it!


After today, no more reading

[badaace1973]

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.

[badaace1973]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! ? Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

[badaace1973]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee

[badaace1973]

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that

always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the

store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless

jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all

good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of

grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.



We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda

bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me

that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.



"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman

with small hands."



"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..



"Makes your dick look bigger."



Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!?

[badaace1973]

The Blonde and the Lawyer
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

[badaace1973]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other
signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his
wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.

[navuta]

What is the…difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

From the new hand nicknames department…AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.

What is the…difference between prayer in a church and at the poker table?
At the poker table, you really mean it.

Two rules for…success in poker:
1) Never tell everything you know.

From the poker dictionary: lottery (noun):
A tax on people who are bad at math.

Don’t Ever…use a fake Jamaican accent at a Caribbean Stud Poker table.

How do you…get a sweet little 80-year old woman to yell (^#&^?
Get another sweet little 80-year old woman to yell “BINGO!”

How do you…get a professional poker player off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.

What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.

[freeringo]

The best joke of the day is Navuta picking Melissa in the
So you think you can dance contest twice.
He picked her to win and now this week he chose her to lose.
Same way he plays poker. HAHA

[navuta]

The best joke of the day is Navuta picking Melissa in the
So you think you can dance contest twice.
He picked her to win and now this week he chose her to lose.
Same way he plays poker. HAHA

hummm... u going mad?.this contest is not fun?ask globug!!... jokes are fun..
Ringo.. do u know how to dance??...Whatever..
So... U think I play bad poker???
U will see....lol...
Did u like my signature????

[freeringo]

hummm... u going mad?.this contest is not fun?ask globug!!... jokes are fun..
Ringo.. do u know how to dance??...Whatever..
So... U think I play bad poker???
U will see....lol...
Did u like my signature????

I never implied you play bad poker.
You are just like me.
So mixed up no one can put us on a hand. hahaha

[BADBEATCHAMP]

Parachute Jumping
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

[Pokerkitty6]

Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes, 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him,
reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

[targetguy1]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[Sassy12U]

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.

One day his wife came home with a diamond necklace.

The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"

His wife replied: "I won it playing poker"

The next night she came home with a mink coat.

The guy asked: "Where did you get that from?"

His wife replied: "I won it playing poker"

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.

The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"

His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.

The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"

The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your poker card wet"

[KaciBlakely]

hahaha.

This is a joke I heard, a list of them and thought it was hilarious.

This guy said this to a girl. "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
The girl said to him. "Well, You wear pants don't you?

This guy said this to a girl, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
The girl said to him, "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"

This guy said this to a girl, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
The girl said to him, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

This guy said this to a girl, "Why don't women blink during foreplay?"
The girl said to him, "They don't have time."

This guy said this to a girl, "How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?"
The girl said to him, "We don't know; it has never happened."

This guy said this to a girl, "Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?"
The girl said to him, "They already have boyfriends."

This girl asked, "What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?"
He said with a funny laugh, "A widow."

He asked me, "Why are married women heavier than single women?"
She answered, "Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."

I think these are hilarious.

[KaciBlakely]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth
until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[KaciBlakely]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

I lmfao'd.

It was totally amazing.

[KaciBlakely]

Omg!

This one is funny.

A changing room





An Amish boy and his father are in a shopping mall for the first time when they come across an elevator.

"What is this, Father?" asks the son.

"I have no idea," replies the father. "I've never seen one before."

The boy and his dad watch an old lady in a wheelchair roll into the elevator.

The doors close.

One minute later the doors open and out steps a hot young coed.

The father looks at his son and says, "Go get your mother."

[targetguy1]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral

[KaciBlakely]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral

I know some men who would not miss big sporting events, like the superbowl if their wife had passed away.

It's hilarious because it can be so true in some cases.

[KaciBlakely]

Bodybuilder and the Blonde

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

He had never experience that before.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

That's a blow to the ego for a man right there.

[sand]

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