Just Jokes...

[sloeddie]

that one is well worth remembering very good

[Pokerkitty6]

Sex With A Cowboy

>
>
> Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
> confided to her co-workers she had three goals
> for her trip to the Lone Star State;
>
> 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
> 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
> 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
>
> Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
>
> 'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they
slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is
unbelievable!'
>
> 'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and
grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'
>
> They then asked,
> 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
>
> 'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they
carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
>

[Pokerkitty6]

BBQ RULES
> We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a
man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
> Routine...
> (1) The woman buys the food.
> (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
> (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
> (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where
the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place
without the interference of the woman.
> Here comes the
important part:
> (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
> More routine...
> (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
> Important again:
> ( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
> More routine...
> (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
> (10) After eating, the woman clears the
table and does the dishes.
> And most important of all:
> (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
> (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Pokerkitty6]

2009 Tax Code
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due
to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the
time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
>
> HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to
size:
>
> The brackets are as follows:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 10" - 12"
>
>
>
>
>
> Luxury Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 300.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 8" - 10"
>
>
>
>
>
> Pole Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 250.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 5" - 8"
>
>
>
>
>
> Privilege Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 150.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 3" - 5"
>
>
>
>
>
> Nuisance Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 30.00
>
>
>
>
>
> Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
>
>
> Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.
>
> ** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

[Pokerkitty6]

Redneck word of the Day : "OBAMA"
>
>
>
>
>
> I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

[Pokerkitty6]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
> A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
> airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard
that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, 'What would you like to talk abou
> t?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.
>
> OK, ' she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
> stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?'
>
> The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know ****?

[Pokerkitty6]

A little old, a little new.........


SOCIALSECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

________________________________

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

________________________________

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

________________________________

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

________________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

________________________________


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

________________________________

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have
sex...
he could also fly.'

[Pokerkitty6]

Subject: Women Over 40
>
>
>
> In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about
women over 40:
>
> As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:
>
> A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
>
> If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more
interesting.
>
> Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve
it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
>
> Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's
like to be unappreciated.
>
> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman
over 40.
>
> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her
younger counterpart.
>
> Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a
jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand
with her.
>
> Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's
not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
>
> For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a
little sausage!
>
> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! Send this to five fine, fun, fabulous,
fancy-free female friends over 40, or Men who might appreciate it too.
>