Just Jokes...

[Pokerkitty6]

I get them thru my emails!!! The golf jokes I pass around at the golf course!
Enjoy anything that makes you laugh!!!!



The golA husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey,
that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that
will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

[Pokerkitty6]

Subject: How Government Works


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

[Pokerkitty6]

Poor Martha,

Recently she
lost her husband.

She had him
cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the
urn that he was in, she
poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while
tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she started talking to him.....

"You know
that dishwasher you promised
me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for
a minute tracing her
fingers in the ashes then said,

"Remember
that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance
money!"

Again, she
paused for a few minutes and
while tracing her fingers in the ashes she
said,

"Remember
that diamond ring you
promised me?
Bought it
too,
with the
insurance money!"
Finally, still
tracing her fingers in
the ashes, she said,

"Remember
that blow job I promised
you?"

"Here it
comes."

[Pokerkitty6]

> Wow...this was eerily very accurate...huh.
> > AMAZINGLY ACCURATE
> >
> >
> >
> > Whatever you do, don't cheat!
> >
> >
> >
> > CHINESE HOROSCOPE:
> >
> >
> >
> > THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY
> AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE
> > CHINESE NEW YEAR
> >
> >
> > FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T
> WORK AND
> > YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD N`T.
> >
> >
> > TAKE 3 MINUTES - TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.
> > THE PERS ON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME
> TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE
> > FORWARDED THE EMAIL. NO CHEATING !!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.DO NOT READ
> AHEAD, JUST DO IT. IT
> > TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY
> >
> >
> > 1st. Get PEN and PAPER
> >
> > 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES,
> MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY
> > KNOW
> >
> > 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS!!!!! It's very
> important for good results.
> >
> >
> > 4th. SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME
> > DON`T READ AHEAD
> > otherwise
> >
> > YOU WILL RUI N THE FUN.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through11
> in a COLUMN on the
> > LEFT.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,
> >
> >
> > WRITE DOWN ANY
> > 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.
> > DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,
> >
> >
> > WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO
> MEMBERS
> > OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT
> RIGHT
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY. ....)
> >
> >
> > next to 4, 5, & 6 .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Finally, MAKE A WISH
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ARE YOU READY?
> > HERE IS THE
> > KEY TO THE GAME
> >
> >
> >
> > THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is
> found in
> > S PACE 2
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON IN SPACE
> > 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK
> is in
> > SPACE 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > YOU CARE MOST about t he PERSON you put in
> > SPACE 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO
> >
> > KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN
> 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
> >
> > PERSON IN NUMBER 3
> >
> > THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
> >
> > PERSON IN 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE 10 TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
> >
> > YOUR MIND
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
> >
> > FEEL ABOUT LIFE
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
> >
> > LUCKY NUMBER
> > SEND THIS TO A MINIMUM OF 10 PEOPLE
> > WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
> >
> >
> >
> > IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE
> >
> > IT IS STRANGE
> HOW IT SEEMS TO WORK.
>
>
>

[sloeddie]

that one is well worth remembering very good

[Pokerkitty6]

Sex With A Cowboy

>
>
> Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
> confided to her co-workers she had three goals
> for her trip to the Lone Star State;
>
> 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
> 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
> 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
>
> Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
>
> 'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they
slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is
unbelievable!'
>
> 'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and
grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'
>
> They then asked,
> 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
>
> 'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they
carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
>

[Pokerkitty6]

BBQ RULES
> We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a
man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
> Routine...
> (1) The woman buys the food.
> (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
> (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
> (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where
the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place
without the interference of the woman.
> Here comes the
important part:
> (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
> More routine...
> (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
> Important again:
> ( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
> More routine...
> (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
> (10) After eating, the woman clears the
table and does the dishes.
> And most important of all:
> (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
> (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Pokerkitty6]

2009 Tax Code
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due
to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the
time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
>
> HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to
size:
>
> The brackets are as follows:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 10" - 12"
>
>
>
>
>
> Luxury Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 300.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 8" - 10"
>
>
>
>
>
> Pole Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 250.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 5" - 8"
>
>
>
>
>
> Privilege Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 150.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 3" - 5"
>
>
>
>
>
> Nuisance Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 30.00
>
>
>
>
>
> Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
>
>
> Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.
>
> ** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **