Just Jokes...

[Pokerkitty6]

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.




"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.




"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.




"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower." The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."




"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."




"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.




The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"




"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

[Pokerkitty6]

Subject: The Cowboy and St. Peter




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most
heavily-tattooed biker and kicked his bike over, smacked him in his face,
ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
"BACK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE '#%$#%' OUT OF ALL OF YOU!"

St. Peter was impressed. “So, when did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

[Pokerkitty6]

These are very good life lessons - I just wanted to share with you!


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry

9 Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others.. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so called disaster with these words
In five years will this matter?

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves

[Pokerkitty6]

Subject: Finally, a GOOD blonde joke



A contestant named Sally, had reached the final plateau, on the TV show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question would be no pushover.

It was: 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

Sally was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because...Her friend was, well, a blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly and immediately:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

Considering that her friend was a blonde,it would seem to be the logical thing to do, but her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that Sally was convinced to take her friend's answer.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said: ' C: the cuckoo.'

Is that your final answer?' replied Regis Philbin the moderator.'

'Yes, that is my final answer.' Sally replied.

'That answer is ...Absolutely Correct'

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Say Sue, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' the blonde replied...

'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks..'

Sally fainted.

[Pokerkitty6]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her
beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister..
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a
moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family
was standing outside, all clapping !!!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Pokerkitty6]

Subject: Home Remedies




AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

THESE REALLY WORK!!






1.. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.



2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.



3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.



4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.



5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.



6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.



7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.