I never do this, so im gonna do a few at once, maybe every 6 months or something.....

Here goes! Some to contain mild offensive language, you have been warned. Im serious, a couple of these could anger you.

  • A guy says to his friend - "I've been taking steroids and grown an extra penis". His friend says "anabolic"?. The man replies "No, just a ****"
  • A man visits his doctor and says "I am feeling a bit ropey". The doctor replies "I am afraid you have twine flu"
  • A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an omcoming truck and everyone dies. On meeting their makes, because of the hard life they have experienced, God grants them all one wish before they enter paradise. They all line up and God asks for the first person wish. "Make me beautiful" she says. God clicks his fingers and its done. The second one comes to the front and says "make me gorgeous", God clicks his fingers and its done. At the back of the queue the truck driver is rolling around laughing. God gets right near the end of the queue and by now he is crying his eyes out in laughter. God finally reaches him and asks "What can i give you, my son". The guy calms down and says "Make 'em all ugly again"
  • A man got voted off America's got talent yesterday as Simon Cowell found him balancing a Mars Bar on his nose for 5 minutes too boring. When the guy asked what was wrong with it, Cowell said "Sorry, but Osama Bin Laden has had a bounty on his head for 8 years!"
  • My mate was boasting to me the other day he can suck his own ****. He is so full of himself....
  • Whats blue and doesnt fit?....... A dead epileptic
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a mop.
  • I just got a new job as a colonic irrigation machine tester.... It really takes it out of you.



Most of those i made up, well half of em.