Dear NDN,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think i realised it when we skinny dipped in the bathtub at the mental hospital, and I saw you hit on my father. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that we're related. I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep my common sense as a memory. You should also know that i told in my confession today about the moose poaching, and thanks for the cocaine.

Greeting to your frog, Leonard.

Phil