Dear eejit101,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don't match. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg under the bus, and I saw you carve your initials into my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that there is no solution to you being a dumb kid. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and I'm scratching my *** as you read this.

Please don’t hurt me,
Klinkman