"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton's vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She's out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out 'cause of tax issues. The good news, she's still eligible to be treasury secretary." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, this is weird, vendors along the parade route were selling binoculars that they called 'Barackulars.' That's true. And even worse, the ShamWow guy was selling 'ShamWowbamas.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, if you could not afford to go to the inauguration, there's a perfect way to recreate the experience at home. Here's what you do. You play back the tape of Barack and then you put the air conditioner on full blast, then stand in line for six hours waiting to use your own bathroom." --Jay Leno

"What an historic day, ladies and gentlemen. The whole country was riveted by Barack Obama's inauguration. Two million people were in Washington to watch it, and then everyone else in the country watched it on TV. Yeah, I don't think America's been this excited since they figured out how to put cheese inside pizza crust." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Cheney was in a wheelchair at the inauguration. His aides say he pulled a muscle while moving boxes yesterday. But I don't know if I believe that. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the reason he's in a wheelchair is because his feet turned back into hooves a day before they were supposed to. That was not as it was agreed upon in the pact." --Jimmy Kimmel