This is mainly pointed towards Phil since he has a weird range of knowledge, but I welcome any insight that anyone else may have on this very serious subject!

For the last 3-weeks or so, I have been plagued with an abundance of static electricity. At first it was quite funny getting shocked randomly throughout the day. As a matter of fact, it was downright entertaining trying to guess when and where the next jolt would occur.

However, the "thrill of the shock" has lost its appeal and I now literally fear for my life when I have to turn on a light switch or go near a metal object. I find myself going to great lengths to find random objects around the house that I can use to turn on lights with the hope that the charge won't get another taste of victory by reaching my trembling body yet again.

My days that were once filled with such joy and optimism are now filled with sorrow and agony knowing that the next bite from the electric beast is just around the corner. I can no longer welcome company into my home for fear that I won't be able to hold back the colorful words that now erupt from my mouth with each and every shock. These words fill what was once a peaceful and serene silence that I fear I may never get back.

I've attempted to research this unfortunate circumstance, but it's not the most thrilling subject around. Besides, I thought we covered this back in elementary school during the Star Lab sessions, planetarium visits, and the other dark places where kids would visit to experiment with the glorious sparks that their tie-dye fleece shirts would emit. It's that same thrilling adventure that kids still enjoy that may be the very death of me.

I appeal to those of you who can relate to this tragic situation to help me conquer this once and for all and bring this voltaic villain to its final resting place.