retirement jokes

Same Class?

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist,

I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking

hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been

in my high school class some 36 years ago.


Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This

balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have

been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local

high school. 'Yes,' he replied.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1971. Why?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you

teach?'

Funny Old Goat
A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.

Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'

One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'

♪Footnote:
It's strange how one funny story reminds you of another. And that is why we have included the next yarn, even though it has nothing to do with retirement.

Veteran's Bus Tour
The veteran's football team was being driven through Dublin in an open-top bus. The driver was giving a running commentary as they toured the city. 'We are just passing the biggest pub in Ireland', said the driver.

A voice piped up from the back of the bus piped up. 'Why?'

Aging Problems
Visiting Doctor Ross last month Paula, a long retired schoolteacher, explained

in some detail her problems while he listened very patiently.

'Now, Paula,' said Doctor Ross, 'you say you have shooting pains in your

neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea. Just for the

record, how old are you?'

'Ah, yes,' Paula spoke brightly, 'I'll be 49 on my next birthday.'

'Really?' commented the doctor quietly, 'I see you have slight memory loss, too.'

A Wise Old Bird
High in the Himalayan mountains lived a wise old man. Periodically, he

ventured down into the local village to entertain the villagers with his special

knowledge and talents. One of his skills was to 'psychically' tell the villagers

the contents in their pockets, boxes, or minds.

A few young boys from the village, decided to play a joke on the wise old

man and discredit his special abilities.

One boy came up with the idea to capture a bird and hide it in his hands. He

knew of course, the wise old man would know the object in his hands was a

bird. The boy devised a plan.

Knowing the wise old man would correctly state the object in his hands was

a bird, the boy would ask the old man if the bird was dead or alive. If the

wise man said the bird was alive, the boy would crush the bird in his hands,

so that when he opened his hands the bird would be dead; if the wise man

said the bird was dead, the boy would open his hands and let the bird fly

free. So no matter what the old man said, the boy would prove the old man

a fraud.

The following week, the wise old man came down from the mountain into the

village. The boy quickly caught a bird and cupping it out of sight in his hands,

walked up to the wise old man and asked, 'Old man, old man, what is it that I

have in my hands?'

The wise old man said, 'You have a bird,' and he was right.

The boy then asked, 'Old man, old man tell me, is the bird alive or is it dead?'

The wise old man looked at the boy and said, 'The bird is as you choose it.'

And so it is with your life.

¦
A Confession - Funny Retirement Speech
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only one cheque in my chequebook
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................

:grin::grin:

Retired = not just tired I'm REtired

Classic Proposal
Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.

Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'