Just Jokes...

A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.




"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.




"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.




"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower." The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."




"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."




"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.




The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"




"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Subject: The Cowboy and St. Peter




A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most
heavily-tattooed biker and kicked his bike over, smacked him in his face,
ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
"BACK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE '#%$#%' OUT OF ALL OF YOU!"

St. Peter was impressed. “So, when did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

These are very good life lessons - I just wanted to share with you!


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry

9 Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others.. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so called disaster with these words
In five years will this matter?

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you!

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves

Subject: Finally, a GOOD blonde joke



A contestant named Sally, had reached the final plateau, on the TV show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question would be no pushover.

It was: 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:

A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

Sally was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because...Her friend was, well, a blonde.

She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly and immediately:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

Considering that her friend was a blonde,it would seem to be the logical thing to do, but her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that Sally was convinced to take her friend's answer.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said: ' C: the cuckoo.'

Is that your final answer?' replied Regis Philbin the moderator.'

'Yes, that is my final answer.' Sally replied.

'That answer is ...Absolutely Correct'

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Say Sue, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' the blonde replied...

'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks..'

Sally fainted.

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.


There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her
beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister..
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a
moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family
was standing outside, all clapping !!!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Subject: Home Remedies




AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

THESE REALLY WORK!!






1.. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.



2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.



3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.



4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.



5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.



6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.



7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Written by Zola Gorgon - author of several cookbooks.

'Watch out for those spoiled onions...

I had the wonderful privilege of touring Mullins Food Products. Mullins is HUGE and is owned by 11 brothers and sisters in the Mullins family. My friend Jeanne is the CEO. The facility is mammoth. We toured about 280,000 square feet!

Questions about food poisoning came up and I wanted to share what I learned from a chemist.

The guy who gave us our tour is named Ed. He's one of the brothers. Ed is a chemistry expert and is involved in developing most of the sauce formulas. He's even developed sauce formula for McDonald's. Keep in mind that Ed is a food chemistry whiz. During the tour, someone asked if we really needed to worry about mayonnaise. People are always worried that mayonnaise will spoil. Ed's answer will surprise you.

Ed said that all commercially-made Mayo is completely safe. It doesn't even have to be refrigerated. No harm in refrigerating it, but it's not really necessary. He explained that the pH in mayonnaise is set at a point that bacteria could not survive in that environment. He then talked about the quintessential picnic, with the bowl of potato salad sitting on the table and how everyone blames the mayonnaise when someone gets sick.

Ed says that when food poisoning is reported, the first thing the officials look for is when the 'victim' last ate ONIONS and where those onions came from. Ed says it's not the mayonnaise (as long as it's not homemade Mayo) that spoils in the outdoors...
It's probably the onions, and if not the onions, it's the POTATOES. As he explained it, onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions.

You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion. He says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator. It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and out for a bit, that it can be a danger to you. (And doubly watch out for onions at the baseball park!)

Ed says if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll probably be okay, but if you slice that leftover onion and put it on your sandwich, you're asking for trouble. Both the onions and the moist potato in a potato salad will attract and grow bacteria faster than any commercial mayonnaise will even begin to break down.

So, how's that for news? Take it for what you will. I am going to be very careful about my onions from now on. For some reason, I see a lot of credibility coming from a chemist and a company that produces millions of pounds of mayonnaise every year.'

Also, dogs should never eat onions. Their stomachs cannot metabolize onions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its amazing what some people will do to get 750 chips for a poker game:)

I was trying to get 7,500 chips for today's game. Didn't really work out. A couple of these are pretty good. Don't worry, I won't make it a habit. I just wanted to play a tournament today. I guess we're not having one.

Lol, i know.

I made a sarcastic post, instead of a shouting one, as you never do it, you had a reason!


Still - worth a though-Post a great discussion thread, make 4 or 5 good in depth repies, and youve got 500 right there

Subject: These sound like blonde jokes....





Why we are in trouble in America ...!!!


A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, 'No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5.. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast,and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ' Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''


12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo , do you?' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Hope you got a good chuckle

lmao man u guys hav great jokes, even tho most of them are prob from other sites

I get them thru my emails!!! The golf jokes I pass around at the golf course!
Enjoy anything that makes you laugh!!!!



The golA husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about
psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey,
that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that
will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Subject: How Government Works


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.

Poor Martha,

Recently she
lost her husband.

She had him
cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the
urn that he was in, she
poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while
tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she started talking to him.....

"You know
that dishwasher you promised
me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for
a minute tracing her
fingers in the ashes then said,

"Remember
that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance
money!"

Again, she
paused for a few minutes and
while tracing her fingers in the ashes she
said,

"Remember
that diamond ring you
promised me?
Bought it
too,
with the
insurance money!"
Finally, still
tracing her fingers in
the ashes, she said,

"Remember
that blow job I promised
you?"

"Here it
comes."

> Wow...this was eerily very accurate...huh.
> > AMAZINGLY ACCURATE
> >
> >
> >
> > Whatever you do, don't cheat!
> >
> >
> >
> > CHINESE HOROSCOPE:
> >
> >
> >
> > THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY
> AND GOOD FORTUNE IN THE
> > CHINESE NEW YEAR
> >
> >
> > FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T
> WORK AND
> > YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD N`T.
> >
> >
> > TAKE 3 MINUTES - TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.
> > THE PERS ON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME
> TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER SHE
> > FORWARDED THE EMAIL. NO CHEATING !!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.DO NOT READ
> AHEAD, JUST DO IT. IT
> > TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY
> >
> >
> > 1st. Get PEN and PAPER
> >
> > 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES,
> MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY
> > KNOW
> >
> > 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS!!!!! It's very
> important for good results.
> >
> >
> > 4th. SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME
> > DON`T READ AHEAD
> > otherwise
> >
> > YOU WILL RUI N THE FUN.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through11
> in a COLUMN on the
> > LEFT.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,
> >
> >
> > WRITE DOWN ANY
> > 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.
> > DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,
> >
> >
> > WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO
> MEMBERS
> > OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT
> RIGHT
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY. ....)
> >
> >
> > next to 4, 5, & 6 .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Finally, MAKE A WISH
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ARE YOU READY?
> > HERE IS THE
> > KEY TO THE GAME
> >
> >
> >
> > THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is
> found in
> > S PACE 2
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON IN SPACE
> > 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK
> is in
> > SPACE 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > YOU CARE MOST about t he PERSON you put in
> > SPACE 4
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO
> >
> > KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN
> 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
> >
> > PERSON IN NUMBER 3
> >
> > THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
> >
> > PERSON IN 7
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THE 10 TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
> >
> > YOUR MIND
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
> >
> > FEEL ABOUT LIFE
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
> >
> > LUCKY NUMBER
> > SEND THIS TO A MINIMUM OF 10 PEOPLE
> > WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
> >
> >
> >
> > IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE
> >
> > IT IS STRANGE
> HOW IT SEEMS TO WORK.
>
>
>

that one is well worth remembering very good

Sex With A Cowboy

>
>
> Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
> confided to her co-workers she had three goals
> for her trip to the Lone Star State;
>
> 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
> 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
> 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
>
> Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
>
> 'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they
slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is
unbelievable!'
>
> 'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and
grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'
>
> They then asked,
> 'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
>
> 'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they
carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
>

BBQ RULES
> We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a
man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
> Routine...
> (1) The woman buys the food.
> (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
> (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
> (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where
the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place
without the interference of the woman.
> Here comes the
important part:
> (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
> More routine...
> (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
> (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
> Important again:
> (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
> More routine...
> (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
> (10) After eating, the woman clears the
table and does the dishes.
> And most important of all:
> (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
> (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

2009 Tax Code
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due
to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the
time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
>
> HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to
size:
>
> The brackets are as follows:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 10" - 12"
>
>
>
>
>
> Luxury Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 300.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 8" - 10"
>
>
>
>
>
> Pole Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 250.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 5" - 8"
>
>
>
>
>
> Privilege Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 150.00
>
>
>
>
>
> 3" - 5"
>
>
>
>
>
> Nuisance Tax
>
>
>
>
>
> $ 30.00
>
>
>
>
>
> Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
>
>
> Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.
>
> ** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **

Redneck word of the Day : "OBAMA"
>
>
>
>
>
> I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
> A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
> airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard
that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger, 'What would you like to talk abou
> t?'
>
> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.
>
> OK, ' she said.. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
> stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?'
>
> The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
>
> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know ****?

A little old, a little new.........


SOCIALSECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

________________________________

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

________________________________

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

________________________________

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

________________________________

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

________________________________


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

________________________________

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have
sex...
he could also fly.'

Subject: Women Over 40
>
>
>
> In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about
women over 40:
>
> As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:
>
> A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
>
> If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more
interesting.
>
> Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve
it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
>
> Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's
like to be unappreciated.
>
> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman
over 40.
>
> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her
younger counterpart.
>
> Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a
jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand
with her.
>
> Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's
not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
>
> For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a
little sausage!
>
> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! Send this to five fine, fun, fabulous,
fancy-free female friends over 40, or Men who might appreciate it too.
>

Subject: Putting your affairs in order
>
>
>
>
>
> A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, 'I've some bad news You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in
order.'
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
>
> 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the
woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've
been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.
>
> After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS.'
>
> The woman said, 'I know, I don't want any of those *****es sleeping with your
father after I'm gone.'
>
> Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order.