Calling the Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.

If you are depressed it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.