BADBEATCHAMP
06-28-2009, 08:51 PM
What do you call 123 white guys chasing 1 black guy?
The PGA Tour.
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The Big Hitter
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
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Trouble With the Cops
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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A True Golf Addict
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
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Codger Golf
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody there he could play. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par-four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high shot which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
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That Settles the Dispute!
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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Practical Golf Widow
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
The PGA Tour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Big Hitter
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trouble With the Cops
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll open my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A True Golf Addict
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Codger Golf
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody there he could play. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par-four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high shot which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That Settles the Dispute!
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Practical Golf Widow
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"
-submitted by Cliff Morris, Hawaii